The Laugh Lab

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...have no idea where else to post this.

No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the thumbs up and a big grin.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

...

Romanian wrote:

...

Rofl

haha nice rom lol

Lol nice one Kyle!

I got one....

There's a a new drink that came to bars around the U.S. last weekend, it's called the Usama bin Laden. It consists of two shots followed by water.

For all you fans,

Morris wrote:

No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the thumbs up and a big grin.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Two Thumbs Up.

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Do two fingers count?

Something to think about


You know by today's standards none of us was suppose to ever make it.


HIGH SCHOOL --
1957 vs. 2011



Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2011 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2011 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny
and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling
by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not
disrupt class again.
2011 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He
is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the
government because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's
sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2011 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from
core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2011 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and
all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.


Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2011 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeZlih4DDNg

Kyle, those are all so true... I wish I was born 30-40 years ago. Life would have been so much better.

Romanian wrote:

Kyle, those are all so true... I wish I was born 30-40 years ago. Life would have been so much better.

Agreed, but I don't know what I'd do without my video games. lol

Probably chase a hoop down the street with a stick.

You wouldn't know about video games so you'll have other things that interest you.

Romanian wrote:

You wouldn't know about video games so you'll have other things that interest you.

He means we would never end up here...

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Spoiler:

nice one vix and you have a point there with the whole 2011 thing going on

Marines are awesome. lol

Pulled this off a ACO facebook group
Thought you all might enjoy it.

~Vixen

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the ACLU say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.

Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

This is all so confusing!

.........................................
Republican's Answer:

BANG!


......................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!